Emily Oster’s Maternal Guilt (Part II)

Review of Cribsheet by Emily Oster. Chapters 9 & 10.

At 5am last Tuesday, only hours after it was released, I bought Emily Oster’s new book Cribsheet on Amazon. I told her so on Twitter, and I think I freaked her out.

Today, I took some time to look Cribsheet over. By looking it over, I mean I skimmed it. To be honest, I don’t read many books cover to cover anymore, with a few exceptions. And then these chapters caught my eye:

Chapter 9: “Stay-at-Home Mom? Stay-at-Work Mom?”

Chapter 10: “Who Should Take Care of the Baby?

I read them carefully.

Chapter 9: “Stay-at-Home Mom? Stay-at-Work Mom?” This is a big question in our society today and one that is the source of a lot of anger and competition between women. They call these the Mommy Wars. Emily Oster addresses this topic honestly. Actually, Emily Oster addresses a lot of things honestly. Here are some examples of Emily Oster saying things that a lot of people just don’t have the guts to say.

“I work because I like to. I love my kids! They are amazing. But I wouldn’t be happy staying home with them. I’ve figured out that my happiness-maximizing allocation is something like eight hours of work and three hours of kids a day.”

I prefer work to my kids.

“The physical and emotional challenges of work pale in comparison to the physical and emotional challenges of being an on-scene parent. The eight hours at my job is better than the fifth hour with the kids on a typical days. And that is why I have a job. Because I like it.”

I don’t feel like doing the heavy lifting for my kids.

From Chapter 10: “Who Should Take Care of Baby?”

On advising parents on what to look for in a daycare, Emily Oster asks, “Do [daycare workers] have positive physical contact with the children (reinforcing good behavior with a hug, holding the baby)?”

Does the daycare inappropriately touch your kid or leave it in its crib all day long?

“Do they responds to negative behavior by physically restraining the child or children involved (the researchers’ question specifically is, do they ‘restrict them in a physical container’) Do they hit? Do they speak negatively to the child?”

Do they lock up your kid in a cage, curse it or abuse it?

And so I had high hopes for this book

Until I realized that the ultimate goal of this book was to relieve the shame (who cares?) and the guilt (don’t you touch my guilt). Just like the New York Times article said on Sunday. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/19/opinion/sunday/baby-breastfeeding-sleep-training.html

There is a problem with this approach.

Guilt is an emotion and as such, it comes unbidden. We cannot actually control it. Our guilt comes to us honestly, like pain, from the inside out, letting us know that something is wrong. It’s a red alert. So, taking it down by rewriting the script, theoretically speaking, is a very dangerous thing to do. I do not recommend that you try to pretend that you don’t feel guilty, no matter how impressive the study is. People who don’t feel guilt are sociopaths.

Let me give it to you straight. When you have kids, you have an obligation to do the best for them that you can. They are vulnerable human life, they are the future, and they deserve everything that we can offer. They deserve sacrifice, our stars, (not our least paid workers), not “pay to love,” not fake stories about how daycares and nannies are your only option because you love to get out of the house, that strangers will help your baby develop a better vocabulary, that others will make a better parent than you, that your kids don’t love you and need you, that you don’t love and need your kids.

Clear?